Speed Limit: Undetermined
So my pdoc finally explained to me in dummy-speak what is going on with me. Here's the run-down:
"You were born driving 200 mph. Now you've been forced to drive the speed limit. This is Normalville."
Ahhhhh...now THAT makes perfect sense to me! My entire life I've hung from the chandaliers and called it "normal" when, in fact, it was bona fide mania. If I wasn't way up here, then I was way down there. And this was my life. There was no in between. I flew and flew until I crashed into something...then I fell down and stayed there for awhile, waiting for the next chance to catch a ride back to Manic-Town.
It's weird down here with the rest of you. A little bland....everything needs a little "salt". But I know that's just the Bipolar mind doing the only thing it knows how to do: Cycle. Why, if you're not super duper happy as a lark then something must be horribly wrong. Right? Wrong. For the first time in my life I will experience a normal range of emotion. My extremes have been buried under a cloak of medication that will make me....normal. Oh how I despise that word. I don't know anything about it...this "Normal" you speak of.
But today...today I made up my mind about something. I will find my place in THIS stratosphere. I will learn to laugh when something is funny...to cry when something is sad. I will learn to hurt in painful situations and to sleep when I'm tired. I will eat when I'm hungry and won't when I'm not. I will look back somewhat fondly on the Manic April. The only one I know. The comfortable one. But I know she can't come back. I won't LET her come back. And I know this is part of my evolution on my Life Path. This is me becoming what I am without the chemical imbalance.
It's quiet here. I don't hear the low rumbling in my head anymore. I don't feel the spastic waves of intense emotion driving my behavior. I'm sailing. Doin' ten miles over the speed limit because I can't lose my edge completely now can I?
Try to keep up. I double dog dare ya.
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 at 7:56 pm under