A Leap of Faith
I have been in quite a bad mood today. My computer was not working properly and I could not even look at my e-mail. Something that should have taken 5 to 10 minutes ended up taking 45 minutes. I was pissed off and tense because since the moment I woke up I could feel that the confusion, the dizzyness and the pain would rise pretty fast. I have been keeping my mind occupied by doing various things on my laptop and therefore I have been able to trick myself into ignoring all the effect of the detox pretty good. I could feel everything rising inside, taking me over... I panicked when it became too overwhelming and I burst. Jackson tried to calm me down, he tried to talk to me, to reason me, to love me but all I had was anger burning me inside because I am tired of existing in that state. I went back hiding under the blanket so I could slepp and hopefully be calm when I would woke up again. I was not enraged when I opened my eyes again a few hours afterwords, but it does not mean that I am feeling well either. I feel miserable actually.
I don't see how I can make my life better for myself. I am very confused by all of this. I am not even certain of what I am sensing anymore: is it the anxiety? the effects of the detox? depression? panic? What emotions are really mine? What is drug-induced? Is it because I am tired? Exhausted? There is so much confusion...
I am afraid, but I believe that I have to take my chance and face a different kind of risks:
I am thinking of taking a Leap of Faith and challenge the "generalized anxiety disorder" that afflicts me by going into the world. Pretty much setup to meet a lotsa a people starting now: have coffee, go out, go to the the tams-tams, etc. If I organize things so I have a cell phone on myself at all time in case of emergency with important numbers on speed-dial, if the person I am meeting is aware I have a "condition" it could be the very best way to keep myself occupied and not so aware of the detox.
It could be the solution...
I'll think about it ; I'll have a decision by tomorrow to post.
Posted
on
Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 11:49 pm under